My Personal Tartarus

Best. Brony. Story. Ever.

My parents found out I was a Brony when I wanted to go to a convention in Orlando, Florida.
Well, technically, my dad had known, he just thought I was just screwing with him, though. He just found out I was serious when I wanted to go to MLPCon

 I thought my mother was okay with it, since she had asked me about the con I wanted to go to February 29. Yes, 2012 is a leap year. I brought up the website on my phone, she glanced at it, and didn’t say anything.

The next day, March 1st (Today, as of the date I write this), I look at the ticket prices. I remember my mom asked about them last night, but I had just told her that the ticket prices would be posted in march.  So, I decided to go tell her that the prices were posted and that I planned on getting the $30 General Admission.

After, She asked again what kind of convention it is, And I brought up the website on the computer.
She was astonished. “MY Little PONY?!” She said. “You buy My Little PONIES?!”

And at that point, I kept my cool, make it seem like she was seriously out of the loop. “Yeah,” I said. “How is this new news to you?”

At that point, I was close to burting out laughing infront of her.
But no. Using the training I had learned from listening to select songs with Mic the Microphone on vocals, I was able to keep my pokerface.

And so I brought up the purchase of two shirts from welovefine.com. A Vinyl Scratch shirt, and a Great And powerful Trixie shirt. “You know those shirts I got a while back? Yeah.” I said, knowing she’d know what I was talking about.

At that point, I think I broke her, as she just went quiet as she looked at me. And then she asked me “So, How much are the tickets?”

Not feeling very cheerful tonight either.

….Which brings me to the question.
Why do I even bother with this?
Well. I guess It’s because I told a friend I would.
But, That’s when I said I had memory problems, So I suppose it was to be more of a “Help-remember-what” thing…
But. It’s not really being used for that.
So, Like, Why do I even try?
I’m not sure anyone who isn’t my friend can even find this.
My only follower right now is just someone I can talk to about things.
And on top of that, I tend to get emo when I write things up here.
Should I stop?
Should I stop bothering with my tumblr?

Actually, No.

Screw what I said earlier, Asking people to cheer me up isn’t going to do me any good.
It’s not going to do me any good at all.
Instead, I want anyone who needs someone to talk to about some troubles they’re having to talk to me about it.
I may not know all the answers, But I tend to be good at cheering people up.
And, Whenever I know I made someone else happy, That will make me happy.
Then I’ll know I did something right.
Then I’ll know I’m doing some good for someone somewhere. 

Make me smile

Anyone who happens to come across this…. Just….please….Make me smile.
It’s been getting harder to stay cheerful.
And I really like being cheerful. 

I have fallen. There is no return.

It’s just becoming apparent to me… How far I have fallen from innocence.
My meeting the group of Bronies at my school has made me realize this.
A-Kon(Name changed to protect the innocent), To the group, is the ‘Brony Jesus’. That is, he is The Original One who converted many of the other people. I, By Chance, happened to be a Brony who knew nothing of him, nor his group of friends, whom are also Bronies.
After a bit, I learn of this man, and we become friends. I become more bold in my Brony Lifestyle, and actively convert people as well….
Now, after a while of this, it becomes clear to me that I am not like the other bronies. I am much more obscene than them. If they were the color blue, I would be the color Crimson. If they were the color White, I would be Ebony. And then, I realize.
My fall, which I will always call a Fall because, compared to the franchise, it is…. Bad.
My fall was triggered by the griffon Gilda. At the time, I had no idea it was Gilda. I did not know who Gilda was. I had no idea she was from My Little Pony. All I knew is that, Right next to a nude picture of a Time-Manipulating, Knife-throwing, Bust-enhancing maid was a Griffon. A griffon wearing a blue jump suit, and pulling it aside for me to see.
Now, There are two things you will have to know about me.
I am a pervert.
and
I love griffons.

This was a fantasy come true.
A Griffon.
A Mother Bucking Griffon.(Terminology I use now, but not then)
At this point, I think. “I have to see more of this griffon” 
 So I look to the tags.
There is no My Little Pony tag. Just ‘Gilda’ and ‘Tagme’
And so, I click the ‘Gilda’ Tag. I look upon all the pictures, and realize. “I must watch this.”
And then, upon opening another picture, I notice a tag. ‘My Little Pony’
And so, Through my perversion, I become more sensitive to My Little Pony.
I begin to notice the things I see on Youtube, but I do not observe. They are not Gilda.
Thus was the first stage of my downfall.

My second stage, and most noteworthy stage, is when I discover a pony wearing a hat. A Witch’s hat. A purple witch’s hat with stars upon it.
I am a sucker for women witch hats, and hats which look similar to them.
By this time, I realize, “This is a My Little Pony character.”
I realize what this means. I am being torn from the world in which I believed.
I was being torn from Gensokyo, land of Illusions. Land where all things who are forgotten by the world show up. A land of Witches, Flying Shrine Maidens, Master Swordswomen, Ghosts, Vampires, Fairies, and Immortals.
And so, I realize, I could not return to my life before Ponies.
And so, my fall is nearly complete.

I watched a few episodes, trying to restrain myself from falling as hard as I did.
However, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna and Luna Eclipsed all conspired against me. Nightmare Moon was a dark character. Dark, Regal, and as Fair as the moon she was imprisoned within.
Princess Luna, In pictures not from the show, further corrupted me. At this point, I realize, with my past and my violent tendencies, I could not fully align myself with what I learn about the Brony community online.
I realize, I am an odd colt.

I take inventory of my character, and try to look upon what is wrong with me.
I look not at my kind, happy-go-lucky facade, and look deep within myself.

I did not like what I saw.

When I looked upon myself, I saw a man who surrounded himself with demons. A Man who, While he believed that Humans and Demons weren’t really different, realized that he wanted the power of demons on his side. A man who wished for strength.  The strength of body to fulfill his violent wishes. A Greedy man. A Greedy man who wanted everything to be about himself. A Lustful man with several gigabytes worth of lewd content in pictures alone. A Man proud of his ability to fit into any role he desired; One who often did so to fulfill the wants of others, but for reasons of his own. He wanted to be useful, and so he would do such things. His selfish desire to have a place is the only thing that drove him. Now, AS I looked upon myself, I wanted to pity the man I am deep inside, for he had no place in the world. However, I realized, The world may be better off without him.

Now, I’m a man who takes all stories into consideration, learn what I can from them, and teach them to others, to try to atone for being who I am.
One lesson I learned is that you have to face who you really are and find a way to deal with it. I, a man who is unsure of what to do to confront himself, cannot take my own advice, and thus I, myself, am a Hypocrite. A contradiction. A Paradox.
This is only worsened as I look upon who I want to be, and I further question myself.
I want to be nice. I want to be generous. I want to help anyone I can… But, in practice, I never really can help anyone, and I’m always greedy. So, I begin to wonder, Am I really trying to be someone better, or do I just not want to face myself?
I understand who I am, my flaws, and my traits, but I cannot see any true goodness within myself.
I only see darkness within my heart.
Darkness, which, by chance, led me into the Light.

I wish to be able to continue being a sort of Dark Brony, who learns how to be a normal Brony, who’s heart is finally filled with light, from the other Bronies.

By writing this, I am unsure of what I will accomplish. Perhaps I am just screaming at the sky. All I know is…. I want sympathy. I don’t want pity, just…. Some help.
I just want help. I want to know I’m not alone. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel like I’m the only one who is like this. I want to know that there are others like me. I want to know who else is out there who is unable to overcome who they really are inside. I want to know people like me. I want to know who I am. I want to know who you are. I want to know what I am supposed to be. I want to know what to do. I want to know what I can do to help you, To know what I can do to help you help me, To know what I can’t do alone, What I can do for you, and who can be saved from themselves.

What I Want To Know Is The Truth.

as One Who Loves The Night, this is something I cannot stand for.

The night used to be my time. I used to run things around here at night. It used to be my time to do whatever I wanted. I’d stay up late, sometimes never even going to sleep until the sun rose.
The night was everything to me. The darkness was my home. The moon was the source of my life. The night was, sometimes a time for relaxation, and a wild party at others.  Now, however, I find all of this being taken from me. While I do enjoy the things that can only happen in the day, I am saddened to see that my night, my kingdom, my way of life, is being stolen from me. There are several names on whom I may place the blame upon, but only one name I find suitable enough to mention here.
“Celestia”
My nights have been stolen by the promise of My Little Pony in the day.
Now, many may ask me why I blame Celestia the most…. However, that is not the case. I mention the name of Celestia for the reason that she is one who has stolen the night from someone once before.
I may not be a Prince. I may not pull the night sky across the sky. I do, however, know loss when I feel it, and this loss is heavy…
Though my choices have brought me undesirable side effects, I can proudly say
“I. Regret. Nothing.”